


If I'm dead to you

by Hanakoryu, Yuneyn



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms, Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: (but like as a ghost), Acceptance, All the deaths really, And the idea of being bound to someone no matter what, Anger, Angst, Art collaboration, Bittersweet Ending, Canonical Character Death, Character Study, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Deathnotetober, Gen, Ghost!L wants to move on but he's stuck here, M/M, Mentions of most other characters - Freeform, More like some musings, No actual romance happening, Past Child Abandonment, Suicidal Thoughts, painful memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:34:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27301261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hanakoryu/pseuds/Hanakoryu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yuneyn/pseuds/Yuneyn
Summary: "He was dead; Watari was dead; and now L was facing a future that could only be made of crushing loneliness - all of this at the hands of the one person that could maybe have been his equal, could maybe have cured the loneliness of the life he had had before. How tragically ironic."When L dies, he doesn't disappear from this world. Unable to interact with anyone but Ryuk, he has to figure out what he needs to be able to move on. The answer might lie with the one person responsible for his death in the first place.
Relationships: L & Yagami Light, L/Yagami Light
Comments: 22
Kudos: 104





	1. You had to kill me...

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! Yuneyn and Hanakoryu here :D  
> You thought ["Secrets and Lies"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27058834) was angsty? Well you haven't seen anything yet... We are back with a super angsty collab for Deathnotetober's last day! The prompt this time is simply our favorite detective: L.
> 
>  _Yuneyn's usual ramblings:_ Well, this is definitely my most depressing story yet - and it's still all 2020's fault. I need to channel my own depression, okay. (I'm sorry, L, I actually like you, why did I do this?)  
> That being said, I really hope you guys will like it because I ended up loving the final thing, despite the pain. It started as a vague idea for another short, angsty one-shot, and it got a little out of hand, which is why I ended up having to cut it into two parts so I could at least post something on time. There really are some dark moments in both chapters, so be warned. I suppose I can still promise you that the ending won't be entirely depressing... in a way? (Also I am sooooo excited that this became a collab, aaaah Ika thank you so much for all the gorgeous art!!)
> 
> The art will be in the fic this time, but please don't forget to check out [Ikathemadhatter](https://ikathemadhatter.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr for more of Hanakoryu's amazing art!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Suicidal thoughts, although the character is already dead so I'm not sure that counts... but I'd rather put the warning anyway so you guys know what to expect.

* * *

Death was final.

At least, that was what L had always believed.

L was dead. There was no doubt about it. He could clearly recall the feeling of his heart stopping, the pain tearing through his chest, the inability to stop himself from collapsing and ending up in _Kira’s_ arms, of all places.

And yet, he was still fully conscious. Conscious that he couldn’t feel the ground on which he stood on. Conscious that no one could see him. Conscious of everything happening in front of him - the task force’s panicked cries, his physical body still lying in Kira’s arms - and Kira, screaming, pretending, _lying._

Kira. _Light._

L had been right all along. 

Not that he had ever truly doubted it, but it was nice to see his theory confirmed. Even if said confirmation had come in the form of a victorious grin twisting Light’s face while deranged eyes watched him die.

Light stood up suddenly, leaving someone else to hold his dead body - _why even bother?_ \- and L followed instinctively. He felt mildly dazed, disconnected from everything - which he supposed wasn’t entirely illogical considering his situation. He wasn’t sure whether he was actually walking or not, only that he kept going after Light until the man stopped in front of a pile of… was that sand? And another notebook?

His mind too busy trying to work out what was going on, L barely noticed Light hiding the notebook or the task force rushing through the door. Then, _then_ Light started _again_ with the corny act, and L glared up at him, his jaw clenching. _Oh, right, you will ‘avenge’ me, ‘avenge’ Wa—_

_Watari!_

L suddenly recalled those few seconds before his death, the emergency data deletion, Watari not responding… He abandoned Light to his fake speech and pretty much flew through the floors, absently noting that he was indeed passing through walls, until he reached Watari’s office and he went still.

Memories of the past flashed through his mind, clear as day, as L slowly moved towards the man lying on the floor. The man who had found him - _saved_ him, really, considering the treatment he’d gotten at the previous orphanage - the man who had raised him, stayed by his side, indulged him…

_It’s my fault._

“Watari?” L asked out loud, a vain hope that maybe he wasn’t the only one still around in this fashion. But the silence that answered him only confirmed what he already knew deep down. He moved closer, kneeling in front of Watari’s body, reaching out to try and touch his arm even though he knew he couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry. I should never have let you take the same risks as I did,” he said quietly. “If you had remained in the shadows, you might have lived…”

L could hear a commotion outside of the door, and he knew the others had to be trying to get in and check on Watari. He also knew he wouldn’t be able to deal with the sight of Light standing next to his mentor, pretending to care - actually just the thought of it was making him shake with anger. He spared one last glance towards the only person who had ever seemed to care for him, whispered one last apology, and flew away just as the door opened.

Somehow, he ended up on the roof. 

The rain was still falling, except this time he couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything, not the wind, not the concrete floor under his bare feet. He was standing on the edge of the rooftop, looking down at the drenched city, wondering idly if falling down would maybe kill him again, this time for good.

_Why am I still here?_

Was it really like those tales about ghosts - some unfinished business bullshit? Did he actually need for the Kira case to be closed, for Light to be exposed and condemned, only so he could find peace?

_I don’t care about all this. I just wanted to win - it was just about my ego._

_But I lost. Fine. Let the world submit to Kira’s reign of fear, for all I care. It’s not my problem anymore._

He closed his eyes, feeling himself start shaking again. He forced himself to take some deep breaths - he knew it was pointless now but it was still a reflex - and tried focusing on the sound of the rain. 

That was when he realized. The bells had stopped. 

In a way, he’d already known back then that they were an illusion. A strange foreboding that should have made him reconsider - but L had always been too stubborn for his own good. Case in point. 

On a whim, he glanced above his shoulder, half-hoping to see Light standing there like before. Hoping for a second chance at the past hour - for the time to come up with a different plan, one that would at least allow him to save Watari, or send all his findings to Wammy’s house so that his successors could move quickly.

_The point was always for them to figure things out on their own._

_Screw all that! I’m dead now. How long will I have to stay like this? Alone, watching things unfold without being able to do anything._

_Alone._

More memories assaulted him - recent ones, this time. Observing Light, meeting him - all the taunting, the back and forth between them before Light’s confinement. Then being handcuffed to each other, fighting, arguing… talking for hours… laughing?

L gritted his teeth and clenched his fists, trying to push the images away. He’d already spent too much time mulling over those two sides of Light - the one he wanted to analyze and expose, and the one he almost felt he could have become friends with under different circumstances. Both equally thrilling, both equally dangerous - whether for L’s life or his impartiality. In the end, he’d only barely managed to hold on to his impartiality. 

_It doesn’t matter. Maybe at some point he wasn’t Kira anymore, but that didn’t last. He certainly seemed happy to have killed me._

_He is, right?_

The incessant reel of memories stopped and lingered on the look Light had given him earlier, on the stairs. Almost regretful, hesitant… sad? It had been miles away from how _Kira_ had looked at him as he had died - and yet Light _definitely_ had been Kira then as well.

_“It will be lonely, won’t it?”_ L had asked, for no other reason that he wanted to know whether Light felt it too. 

_Will you feel lonely as well once the game is over?_

Suddenly it was all too much. He was dead; Watari was dead; and now L was facing a future that could only be made of crushing loneliness - all of this at the hands of the one person that could maybe have been his equal, could maybe have cured the loneliness of the life he had had before. How tragically ironic.

Something inside L’s chest clenched again and some part of him wondered whether he was finally allowed to die and be set free, but then he suddenly felt wetness run down his face. He brought his hand up to brush it away, trying to tell himself it was the rain when he knew full well it had been pouring right through him this whole time.

His hand stopped in front of his eyes, and L finally let himself cry.

* * *

The passage of time was slow, but not as unbearable as L had initially thought. He noticed soon enough that when he managed to lose focus on the moment, hours could go by without him noticing. If he could make it happen for days, it would certainly help alleviate the boredom.

_Boredom._

L also met Ryuk one night, not too long after his death. The Shinigami had been hovering behind Light on the building’s rooftop, grumbling about how things weren’t going to be as interesting now that L was dead - and as such, he was extremely amused when he realized L had been eavesdropping the whole time.

“Too stubborn to die, huh?” Ryuk said after Light had left. That sounded about right.

Ryuk told him everything after that. Aside from the relief L felt at simply being able to communicate with someone in his state, it was also fascinating to finally have every answer - to be able to explain every single grey area of the case. 

He knew now. How boredom had been the root of everything. How it had made Ryuk drop the first Death Note in the human world, and how it had led Light to use it.

L understood boredom. He had spent his life trying to escape it, and it had always been the main drive behind his desire to solve complicated cases. It wasn’t that he was righteous or anything - he had just been in it for the challenge - the _fun._ Granted, he had certainly killed a lot less people than Light had, but his reasons had only ever been selfish.

Some part of him really wanted to believe that Light had had ‘good’ intentions at first. It made it easier to deal with the fact that his stubbornness had ended up giving Kira free rein to do whatever he wanted for the foreseeable future. 

That is, until the kids caught up to the investigation and finally exposed him.

L felt confident that they would. Especially after Ryuk told him that Light hadn’t been the one to really kill him - not directly, at least. The knowledge pissed him off - _that was cheating_ \- but also comforted him a little. Without Rem, without her feelings for Misa, Light would still not have been able to kill him. Having only just learned of the existence of Shinigami and supernatural killer notebooks, L definitely couldn’t have accounted for the fact that a Shinigami could actually have feelings for a human, and would go as far as to sacrifice themselves in order to save said human. 

It had been a well executed move on Light’s part - L could recognize that, at least. But he wouldn’t be able to use the same trick again when L’s successors came for him. Rem had disappeared, and Ryuk certainly didn’t seem like the type to get attached to humans. He just wanted entertainment. 

“Well, if you can be a little patient, I guarantee you will be entertained again,” L told him cryptically. Ryuk certainly seemed excited at the prospect.

Later that night, after Ryuk had left, L decided to finally leave the building’s rooftop. Staying around Light didn’t appeal to him in the least for the moment. Some part of him knew that he would be back eventually, but right now he needed to put some distance between himself and the man who had killed him - albeit indirectly.

Plus, L had been starting to feel curious about what he could and couldn’t do. If he was going to spend years like this, he’d better find ways to keep himself busy. Studying his condition and testing his limits would be a start. 

Straightening up, L looked up at the starless sky one last time before running straight ahead, not thinking twice before he jumped off the edge into the night.

* * *

L’s return to England didn’t go at all like he had expected.

He had noticed already, during his experimentations, that familiar places could trigger vivid memories. Maybe _memories_ wasn’t the right word, those felt more like extremely realistic flashbacks. Almost as if L was living through the moment again. 

It hadn’t posed too much of a problem while he had been staying in Japan. He hadn’t gone out that much, after all, and reliving uneventful trips to sweets shops and cafes hadn’t specifically bothered him. He had grumbled at some of the flashbacks of him hanging out with Light on campus - but mainly because he still didn’t want to see Light’s face for now. It was enough already to hear about Kira whenever some screen would broadcast the latest news.

Anyway, after what might have been a year of testing his abilities - and a lot of frustration at not being able to interact with the world in any way - he had decided to go to Wammy’s House and check how far the kids had gone. He had purposefully waited so long already because he knew there was no way they had caught up to Light yet, and that was already going to test his patience.

He just wanted this to be over. And somehow, he was sure that his ‘peace’ was linked to Light’s defeat.

His experimentations had shown that he could pretty much will himself anywhere if he focused hard enough. He hadn’t been sure whether that would work for such a long distance, but there had only been one way to know... 

The moment he opened his eyes and saw the familiar stairwell was when it started. Immediately, he berated himself for being such an idiot and not being prepared enough. 

Wammy’s House was very different from Japan - in that it was _riddled_ with memories. Not necessarily bad ones, but not all good ones either, and given the circumstances it was too much for L to handle. Especially with how the flashbacks all seemed to overlap, not leaving L any room to try and control them.

_Watari, alive, smiling. “Welcome to your new home, L.”_

_Stares, whispers. “Who’s the new kid?” “He looks weird.”_

_Running to hide in Watari’s office. “I don’t want to be with the others.”_

_Another smile. “It’s alright. You’re doing well.”_

_Eating alone. Sitting alone._

_“You should give them a chance. They’re not like the kids where you used to be.” “I don’t want to. I’m fine on my own.”_

_Studying alone. Skipping class to read books, crouched in a corner of Watari’s office._

_“I want to be a detective.” Soft look, warm smile. “Of course you can.”_

_A vision of himself in a hallway. Red eyes. “Who are you?” A demented grin. “Your backup.”_

_“No!”_

_“I’m sorry, L. We should have been more careful with him.”_

_Holing up in his room to work. Only agreeing to see Watari._

_“I don’t need anyone. It’s easier to be alone.”_

_Alone._

_Alone._

L screamed, clutching at his hair and trying desperately to ignore the images and voices assaulting his mind. _Make it stop._

He needed to leave. He needed to practice, to learn to control the flashbacks if he ever wanted to come back and check on the kids. Gritting his teeth, he tried to focus as hard as he could on the first place that came to mind - the room he had shared with Light during the investigation.

When everything was finally quiet, L opened his eyes and immediately realized he wasn’t at all where he had willed himself to be.

Light, however, was there. The man was sitting in front of a computer, surrounded by several screens. Well, not so much _sitting_ as currently asleep on his chair. Despite everything, L found himself smiling at the sight. It reminded him of all the nights Light had fallen asleep while working, back when they were handcuffed together. 

He only realized that he had begun experiencing another flashback when Ryuk’s voice brought him back to the moment. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

L blinked, then glanced up at the Shinigami, the look in his eyes saying he had no patience for this kind of joke. “I wanted to check up on your upcoming _entertainment,”_ L said, his voice carrying a fair amount of snark. “But I hadn’t accounted for how _intense_ the flashbacks could get.”

_It’s weird though, I got one again after getting here but it didn’t feel as powerful. It felt… almost comfortable._

L immediately shook off the thought. Still, he had to admit that seeing Light again after having avoided him for so long wasn’t as bad as he had expected it to be. _I guess I’m less angry now._ He glanced at the sleeping man again. Even if they were in a different place, the scene felt so familiar. With Light being unconscious, L could almost believe he himself was truly here too. That like so many of those nights, he would keep working until he noticed Light’s lack of movement, then roll his eyes fondly before carrying Light back up to their room. 

“But you were different back then,” L said quietly, gnawing at his fingertips. “Although when you look like this, I suppose no one could tell you’re a crazy mass murderer with a god complex.”

“I think he misses you, you know,” Ryuk said, interrupting L’s musings.

L looked up at the Shinigami and snorted. “Right. He does.”

“I mean, it’s become too easy again. I suppose it wasn’t just me who found it all more entertaining when you were around.”

L huffed and glanced towards Light again. The man shifted in his sleep, which resulted in his headset digging even more into his cheek. That made L smile again. _I guess it was kind of fun. Even when you were Kira - you were my best opponent after all._

“Ryuk, I think I’ll be hanging around from now on.” The Shinigami perked up, and L shook his head. “Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t going to change anytime soon. I’ll practice controlling the flashbacks so I can actually go and check, but it just wouldn’t make sense for anything to happen just yet. It hasn’t been long enough.” L sighed, his eyes drawn back to Light. “I suppose I just…”

_I’ve always told myself I was better off alone. As long as I was busy, I wouldn’t notice how lonely I was._

_I’m tired of pretending. There’s no point anymore._

_Even if it means being with you. Even if you had me killed. Even if you can’t see or hear me._

_I think I might miss you too,_ his brain provided, but L pushed it down. He knew that if he went down that particular road, he wouldn’t be able to handle what he might find. Instead, he whispered the one thing he could finally admit. 

“I don’t want to be alone.”

* * *

“Any day now, Ryuk.”

It had been almost five years since L’s death. Four years since he had decided to remain around Light most of the time. It had been long. It had certainly _not_ been fun. L had actually spent most of his time highly frustrated by not being able to hurl something at Light’s head whenever he was being horribly infuriating. 

And then when he had been confident he could go check on Near and Mello without being assaulted by uncontrollable memories, he had found out Mello had left and pretty much been a drama queen about everything. And when L had finally found him, deep within the mafia, he also hadn't been able to hurl something at that little shit’s head.

At least Near wasn’t as frustrating. He had made good progress, and L had faith in his ability to stop Light. He was kind of a little shit as well, but in a way L could appreciate more. If only just because he reminded him a bit of his younger self. 

In spite of whatever sense of ‘caring’ he felt towards Near and Mello - mainly because they had all grown up at the same place, he hadn’t ever even _met_ them after all - L kept coming back to Light. He was arguably the most irritating of the three, and being unable to kick his stupid face was really aggravating… 

His stupid, handsome face.

_Oh, well._

Even though he had definitely abused his ability to make time pass by faster, L had still been observing Light for years. He had had the time to make peace with his thoughts and feelings as well. 

Never mind that Light was Kira, L still felt closer to him than anyone else.

He supposed they were maybe like two sides of the same coin. Kira or not, Light and he were similar in many aspects - yet always opposed. They didn’t have the same values or ideas, but their thought processes were frighteningly alike. L had felt it often enough back when he had still been alive, how talking to Light sometimes felt like talking to himself.

An equal.

L had never had such a person in his life. So it came as no surprise that he would feel some kind of attachment towards Light, no matter how horrible a person he was. And anyway, L wasn’t exactly a _good_ person either.

Still, Light was really starting to push it. With no one to oppose him, he had grown even more conceited than he used to be. He had everyone wrapped around his little finger - the police, his poor family, Misa, and a large part of the world by now. It pissed L off to no end, which was why he regularly wanted to kick Light in his stupid handsome face - because maybe if he looked significantly less perfect, people would stop believing every single lie that came out of his equally perfect mouth.

It had definitely nothing to do with the conflicting feelings L had sporadically experienced over years of watching Light. 

As it turned out, there were still some thoughts inside of him that he wasn’t ready to make peace with.

In any case, things would be moving soon. Mello had drawn up some kidnapping plan that L wasn’t exactly certain what to think of. But he was getting tired of waiting and lamenting his inability to throw things at people, so he decided to focus on the positive: this would finally set everything in motion. 

He glanced towards Ryuk, who grinned at him excitedly. L knew the Shinigami wasn’t going to talk to him while Light was awake, so he just smirked at him, then focused his gaze on Light. Just like every other day, the man was pretending to work at catching Kira - but really he was just leading the task force towards another dead end.

“Enjoy it while it lasts, Light,” L said quietly. He’d taken to talking to the man regularly, even though he knew Light couldn’t hear him. It helped with the solitude, and it was also cathartic. When L had come back four years ago, he had spent quite some time yelling at Light for having killed Watari, Aiber and Wedy. It had been pointless, but it had felt rather good to let it all out.

“Things will become complicated again for you very soon. And this time you won’t be able to rely on Rem’s feelings to help you. I’m also rather certain Near won’t take the same risks as I did. He’ll find you, and you’ll finally be exposed.”

Whatever Light was doing must have made him feel satisfied as L caught his lips twitching into one of his devious ‘Kira’ smiles for a fraction of a second. Of course no one on the task force had seen it, but L always found it interesting to see Light slip up like this. It seemed to happen more often as time went by, and L wondered whether this was because Light’s mind was becoming more and more twisted.

“You know, you irritate me most of the time, but sometimes I do feel sorry for you. Such a brilliant mind… Lost in its own disillusion. I wonder if you will even understand where you went wrong when Near exposes you. I know your intentions felt all noble and righteous when you started out, but you became too high on power, Light. Someone has to stop you now.”

Sometimes L regretted not having confronted Light more directly before his death, or tried to make a deal with him. He had never been one to shy away from working with criminals, after all, so maybe they could have worked something out and avoided all this. Then again, Light might have taken such a thing as admitting defeat, so maybe it was a pointless thought.

_What’s pointless is to think about it now,_ L berated himself. He sighed and went to stand in front of the window, looking into the night. 

“Any day now,” he repeated slowly, more to himself than anything, then turned back to look up at Ryuk. “I hope it’ll prove enough fun for you. I’m not sure how long it will last once it starts, and then…” L knew what would happen when Light got caught. Ryuk had explained the reason why he was here, and what the deal between him and Light was.

L turned his eyes towards Light again, his lips curling into a small, sad smile.

“I’ll see you soon, Light.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be set during the second arc of the story, as you might have guessed. There will also be some focus on L's origins. Don't expect things to be less depressing... sorry (>_<)  
> Hopefully the second chapter can be posted soon - it mostly needs some heavy editing, and there will also be more art ;)


	2. ...but it killed you just the same

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"If this all has to end in nothingness, then hopefully we won’t have to face it alone."_
> 
> The game is almost over. Before everything ends, L seeks the truth about his past, no matter how much it might hurt him. As events accelerate, L remains with Light, hoping they could fade away together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're back with the second chapter of this angst-fest!! We hope it will be worth the wait!
> 
>  _Yuneyn's usual ramblings:_ Sooo I'll just say that the first part of this chapter was suuuper hard for me to write. I honestly don't have a fixed headcanon about L's past - so I kind of went with something that hurt me a lot because that's the main point of this fic. 
> 
> I will say as a warning/disclaimer that while this fic addresses some themes that may be considered hard/controversial, I am not at all trying to convey any kind of message here. It's just about writing about a situation that would make a character feel things. Honestly I'm not even sure I need to say this, but as someone who usually just writes cute stuff and stays away from fandom discussions because I can't handle drama, posting this terrifies me a little. Anyway... please be nice?
> 
> Anyway, enough ramblings, it's second chapter time! The art will be in the fic again, please don't forget to check out [Ikathemadhatter](https://ikathemadhatter.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr for more of Hanakoryu's amazing art!!

Things hadn’t so much been set in motion as they had exploded all over the place. And it hadn’t even been a month.

_Why couldn’t they just work together?_

_And did Mello really have to use a goddamned missile??_

As far as Light was concerned, L hadn’t been that frustrated with him in a long time, and he needed a break. It was usually bad enough that he was constantly acting like an asshole towards Misa... And sure, L had no particular affection for her, and she definitely had a part in how fucked up their relationship was - but she was generally being nice and caring towards Light. Whose attitude made him very much _not_ deserving of such attention.

Near and Mello revealing themselves had only made that worse - but what pissed L off the most was the complete disregard Light was showing towards his own family. L _knew_ Light had considered - albeit briefly - the possibility of killing his sister to save his precious notebook. And now that his father was planning on using the Death Note, Light would want to maintain the illusion that his thirteen days rule was true. 

That was just too much.

“You have everything Light, don’t you see?” L spat at him in anger. “They all love you, but you don’t care about it. You just use people and discard them like they're nothing but tools to you. You don’t realize how lucky you are to have a family. If it was me, I would—”

He stopped himself and gritted his teeth. That had been the one thing he had never gotten the courage to do. He knew that while he didn’t actively remember his time before the old orphanage, his subconscious must have stored memories. If he focused properly, he could find his childhood home, and trigger a flashback… But he was scared. 

Because there was nothing he could find there that would be comforting.

Either he had had a loving family and they had all died except him - which would be rather depressing to witness again, not to mention increase his anger towards Light for not appreciating his own loving, _living_ family. Or he had had abusing parents, or ones that had simply abandoned him - which would _also_ be depressing and would not make him any less angry.

Really there was nothing to gain from finding out. There was a reason why he had never asked Watari about his past. He had never really dwelled on the thought either. One cannot miss what one has never had - or remembered having, he supposed, in his case. 

Still now… Seeing Light being surrounded by all these people who believed in him, cared for him, loved him… And him being so _fucking ungrateful._

_You don’t deserve any of them._

L heard Light tell his father to make the eye deal with Ryuk and the rage inside of him boiled even harder. 

“It’s not fair. You have it all, you know you do, and you abuse it like this. Do you even feel any kind of remorse anymore?” L clenched his fists and glared at the back of Light’s head. “Me, I have… All I ever had, I had to take for myself. And now I’m dead. Because of _you._ I never had what you— I wish—”

He bit his lip to make himself stop talking. His thoughts were spiraling and he could barely keep track of _why_ exactly he was angry - was it really on Light’s family’s behalf, was it jealousy, was it just that he had enough and wanted it all to _finally_ end? He stepped outside, relishing the quietness of the hallway as he tried to decide what he was going to do. Shadowing Light right now was the last thing he wanted to do… He could always go watch the operation - after all, he kinda hoped neither Mello nor any of the task force members would die, but… 

Really, there was only one thing he could think of right now.

_I have to know._

Before he could change his mind, L started to focus. He was shaking but he pushed down the fear, trying to quiet his thoughts and block down everything around him. He had never tried going back that far, in memories he couldn’t even consciously access, so maybe it wouldn’t even work, maybe he wouldn’t have to— 

No. _I want to know. Who I am. Where I come from. I shouldn’t try to escape the past anymore, it’s meaningless at this point._

When L opened his eyes, he was standing in a hospital room. The colors immediately faded as a flashback took over, showing him the room as it had been almost thirty years ago. It didn’t look so much like a hospital anymore - more like some old medical house. The walls were worn and the paint was coming off in various places. A half-torn safety notice was hanging on the wall, L could see the writing was in English. 

A young woman with long, dark hair was sitting on the bed, holding a tiny baby tight against her chest and slowly rocking back and forth. She looked so young, probably no older than eighteen or nineteen years old. The baby seemed to be sleeping peacefully in her arms.

_Is this… Me? And…_

_Is she my..._

L realized the girl was crying.

 _“I'm sorry,”_ she whispered over and over, her hand gently stroking the back of the baby’s head. Slowly, she got up, and placed the baby in his cot. The baby’s face scrunched up a bit but he kept sleeping, his small fists coming up near his face. A quiet sob escaped the girl and she swiftly rubbed her face on her sleeve in a vain attempt to brush away her tears. She tugged a small, white blanket around the tiny baby’s body and leaned forward to kiss him gently on the forehead. 

_“I’m sorry,”_ she said again. _“I love you. Forgive me.”_

And with that she grabbed a small bag and left the room. 

L’s throat closed up as his eyes followed her until she disappeared through the door. Before he could do anything, the scene faded into something else. The same room, but there were nurses talking quietly next to the still sleeping baby.

_“She ran away?”_

_“Doesn’t surprise me. She has been hiding it from her family the whole time. She couldn’t take care of him. Wouldn’t be the first one, that’s usually why they come here. You’ll get used to it.”_

_“But what about him?”_

_“He’ll go to an orphanage. If he’s lucky, someone will adopt him. What name did she give him?”_

_“It doesn’t say on the chart… Wait, even her name is incomplete. It just says L. Lawliet.”_

_“Yes, they often do that. Just put the same down for the child. If he’s adopted they can always change it.”_

_“But…”_

_“You’ll get used to it.”_

The nurses left, and L stared at the baby, his fists clenched and his entire body shaking. He took a few steps forward, stopping just in front of the cot where the baby - _he_ \- was asleep, peacefully unaware of reality. L’s eyes caught something on the blanket and he gasped quietly.

In the corner of the white blanket was a blue, embroidered letter _‘L’._ He remembered having that blanket with him at the orphanage before Wammy’s - it had been the only thing he had brought along with him when Watari had taken him in. It must still be back in his old room at the house, unless they had thrown out everything after learning of his death. 

Holding back his tears, L reached out to the baby’s face. He wished he were able to touch him, reassure him, maybe, that it wasn’t all going to be horrible. 

_It’s not going to be great either. I can’t tell you that you will be happy. You just won’t necessarily be unhappy._

Was it weird, to want to comfort his own younger self? To want to apologize for having gambled your own life to try and win a rigged game against a lying opponent? To feel sorry for the memory of that little baby, that small, innocent life that had only just started and did not know yet of the hardships and reality of the world? Had that life been doomed from the start? 

_She said she loved me… Did she… Did she ever regret leaving me here?_

A part of him was angry, but he did not want to judge her. She had seemed so distraught about leaving him; in that moment she must have felt like she had no other choice. 

_Did she forget about me?_

_Do I want to know?_

L’s eyes fell on the blanket again, on that embroidered letter. _Did you make it yourself? Did you make it for me, so I could have something from you?_

His chest heaved as he tried to hold back a sob, but he still couldn’t stop a few tears from escaping his eyes. Since he had already found out this much, better go all the way. He glanced at the baby one last time and closed his eyes, focusing on the memory of the girl, the woman who had been holding that little life so tightly. His mother.

This time, when he opened his eyes, it was the present. 

A woman was sitting on a couch, reading a book. She looked significantly older but L still recognized her as his mother. He let his gaze wander around the room slowly. It was a cozy living-room, not too big but not too small either, with a few pictures of various landscapes decorating the walls, and shelves filled with books. He could see a garden from outside the window, where autumn leaves were starting to fall. 

On his mother’s left, there was a stone fireplace. A small fire was burning in it, and on top of it, L could see many photos being displayed. Photos of his mother with a man, wedding photos in which she was smiling brightly with him… A picture of them holding a baby, their eyes tired but shining with happiness. Family pictures of the three of them as the baby - a girl - grew. One of the most recent pictures showed the girl as a teenager - a striking image of how his mother had looked back at the hospital.

L closed his eyes, swallowing hard. It seemed he had barely managed to regain control over his emotions, yet that control already threatened to slip away. 

“So, I have a sister,” he said quietly. He wasn’t sure what to say - he wasn’t sure what to think, what to _feel,_ really. Should he be angry? That after his mother had left him she had moved on to live a normal, seemingly happy life? That she hadn’t fought for him, for the chance to give him that same life? 

“I’m not mad at you,” he said eventually, his voice unsteady as he turned to look at his mother. “I mean, I don’t _want_ to be mad at you. But I…” 

_She truly did look heartbroken. Would it be fair of me to want her to have lived her entire life in despair?_

The memory replayed in his head. _“I’m sorry. I love you.”_

He closed his eyes again, tears threatening to spill once more. _At this point, maybe this is all I need to know._ “Did you mean it? Back then?” 

Not expecting an answer, he sat next to her, watching her face intensely and taking in her features. “Do I even look like you? I can’t tell… I guess there’s the hair color at least.” He sighed shakily, looking around the room again. It did look so warm and comfortable, and somehow he felt so out of place in such an atmosphere. “I suppose all this wasn’t ever meant for me. But I had other opportunities too, and Watari was only ever kind to me. It wasn’t all bad. If you had stayed with me, maybe your family would have thrown you out, maybe we both would have...” L trailed off, unwilling to finish the thought. He swallowed back more tears before turning towards his mother again. 

_“Forgive me,”_ the memory echoed in his mind.

_You did what you thought was best under the circumstances, didn’t you?_

“Mother… I forgive you,” he said finally, reaching out to brush his knuckles against the back of his mother’s hand.

What happened then was entirely unexpected. His mother gasped, then blinked around the room as she put down her book. Her trembling hand went to the chain around her neck. It had two small golden heart pendants attached to it, and her fingers closed around one, thumb finger rubbing over it slightly. The pendant caught the light and for a brief instant L could see something engraved on it before his mother’s thumb covered it again.

The letter L.

L’s eyes widened, tears falling freely from them now, and he was about to reach out again when he heard a man’s voice coming from the hallway. 

“Leana? Are you alright?”

The man in the pictures had poked his head inside the living room, looking concerned. 

“I’m… Yes. Just thought I heard something, but I guess it must have been you. Are you two done with her school project?”

“Almost, but we thought we could take a break. Wanna come get some waffles with us down the street?”

L’s mother smiled. “Of course. I’ll get ready.”

The man smiled back at her before disappearing into the hallway. She stood slowly then followed him, but suddenly stopped in the doorway, her hand moving back up to her necklace. She bit her lip, looking torn, then shook her head in disbelief and stepped out of the living-room.

_Leana. Mother._

_So, you didn’t forget._

L watched her leave for the second time, before crumbling to his knees. His nails dug into his arms as he hugged himself, not bothering to try and hold back anymore as sobs racked his body.

_Thank you._

* * *

When L felt he could handle it, he decided to go back to where Light was. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the operation had to have been over by now. L was fully ready to scream at Light for hours if he was indeed planning to kill his father in thirteen days - it was already bad enough that the poor man had shortened his lifespan by taking the eyes deal. 

L hadn’t, however, been prepared to find himself in yet another hospital room, this time to watch Soichiro Yagami die.

_Light, what have you done?_

L could barely comprehend what was going on. Soichiro was bandaged; he seemed to be heavily wounded. Surely if Light had orchestrated to kill his father he wouldn’t have made him go through something that painful? The rest of the task force was there as well and they all seemed to have suffered various wounds. 

_How long was I gone? What happened?_

Light was screaming something about writing Mello’s name, he seemed on the verge of breaking down but L couldn’t tell whether it was because his father was about to die or if it was all because Mello wasn’t dead yet. 

_Is there any real emotion left inside of you? Or do you only care about your goals?_

Thinking that way made him feel sick. As L turned to leave the room, the machines beeped and L heard Light scream louder. This time, L could almost swear that the agony in Light’s voice felt real… But at this point, maybe it was only wishful thinking. L lowered his eyes. 

_I’m sorry, Yagami-san. If I had solved the case back then…_

Ryuk was hovering in the hallway and froze upon seeing L. “Wow, what happened to you?”

L blinked, then realized he probably looked like a mess, even in his ghost state. He couldn’t remember ever crying that much - and he also really _didn’t_ want to talk about it with Ryuk. Alright, maybe he was slightly curious about how his mother had seemed able to feel his presence, but somehow he was also perfectly fine with not solving that particular mystery. So instead, he changed the subject. “What the hell happened _here?_ How long was I gone?”

Ryuk told L about the operation and how everything had gone wrong. L felt slightly relieved that Mello had escaped, if only because he hoped that he might finally join Near in order to expose Light.

“He didn’t kill him, you know,” Ryuk added.

“Huh?”

“Light-o there. He didn’t kill his father. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have done it in thirteen days, but I think he would have tried to make him keep writing so that he wouldn’t have had to do it.”

“Do you really think he still cares about his family?” L asked bitterly. 

Ryuk shrugged. “Maybe. He talks a lot, but I’m not sure he would be able to kill them so easily. He probably won’t handle what just happened so well either. But what do I know?”

L was always surprised by Ryuk’s insights into Light’s psyche. Although he supposed the Shinigami had been watching Light for even longer than L had, and he had actually seen him _become_ Kira. 

“At least Soichiro died believing Light wasn’t Kira. For him all this hasn’t been too bad.”

L gave a derisive snort. “Not too bad. That’s one way to see things.”

“Again, what do I know? I’m just a god of death.”

L shook his head and gave the Shinigami a sad smile. He would go check on Light later, for now, he just needed to go out and clear his mind.

When he came back to Light’s place, it was deep into the night. Light was sitting at his desk, his head buried into his folded arms. At first glance, the man seemed to be sleeping, but something felt off. As L got closer, he realized what it was.

Light was crying.

It wasn’t the full-on breakdown L had witnessed in the hospital room. The sobs were muffled, as if Light was trying his best to remain quiet. As if he didn’t want anyone to see him like this.

_This isn’t another act, is it? You played the part of the loving son panicking over his father’s death in front of the others... But now you’re actually feeling the loss, aren’t you? I guess Ryuk was right, after all. You haven’t become entirely heartless._

L frowned, feeling distraught. He had gone through his very own roller coaster of emotions today as well, and the death of Soichiro definitely affected him too. Especially as he felt he had his own part of responsibility in it, in a way. 

“Your father was a good man,” L said softly. “I wonder if mine was. I’m not sure what the story is... Did he leave my mother when she got pregnant with me, or had he planned on being with her but then something happened to him? I don't think there's any way for me to know... But it’s okay, I suppose. Maybe I don’t need to know everything.” _What I’ve learned is enough._

He shook his head, sighing. “Your mother seems like a good person, too. Light, do you realize that you’ve always had the kind of perfect life so many people crave for? Loving parents, kind sister… All your needs were provided for, and you were also gifted with a great mind and beautiful features. I understand the loneliness that comes with a genius mind, but…”

L huffed sadly. “It’s the same kind of life my mother made for herself eventually. The kind of life I never had even the slightest taste of. I’ve always been jealous of you for that. They _love_ you, Light, don’t you realize how lucky you are to have people who love you? I’ve never known how that felt… Having seen my past now, I suppose I _was_ loved, in a way… But it’s not the same as growing up _knowing_ it. _You_ know it, Light. You’ve had that kind of love all your life. And seeing you throw all that away, seeing the toll your misguided crusade has had on your family… I really wanted to yell at you tonight, but I…”

Light raised his head at that moment, his body shaking with a barely contained sob. His face was covered in tears that he swiftly tried to brush away with his hands and the sleeves of his shirt. For a brief moment, Light looked straight ahead, trying to get his breathing under control but his chest was still heaving and he kept brushing away stray tears. 

But what struck L the most were his eyes. 

Light didn’t simply look sad. He looked lost, shattered _._ Vulnerable. _Young._

There was no sign of Kira in his eyes at that moment. It took L back years ago, back when Light had still been detained in a cell, just a scared, innocent young man looking up at L through the cameras with desperate honesty.

_So there’s still a part of you that hasn’t been lost to Kira yet._

“Damn you, Light,” L said with a sad, nervous chuckle. “It would be so much easier to hate you if you were consistently acting like an asshole, but then you have to go and look like this.”

Light’s expression started to crumble and he buried his face in his arms again. L could see his shoulders shake as the man struggled to keep quiet. 

_Who am I kidding? Even though you infuriate me to no end, even though the things you do and say as Kira should have made me give up on you long ago… I still can’t actually hate you._

L shifted closer, wrapping his arms around Light in an incorporeal hug. 

“I’m sorry about your father,” he whispered softly.

* * *

Light only got worse after that. Gone was the glimpse of the young man who grieved for his father that L had been able to see that night. The vulnerable, lost look in Light’s eyes had quickly been replaced by stone-cold determination and barely concealed hatred for everyone that dared oppose him. 

Things weren’t looking so good for Light. L had seen Near and Mello share information; he knew that Near had finally narrowed it down and that Light was now his prime suspect. The task force’s faith in Light was beginning to falter, and Light was getting desperate, seeking allies who he thought he could perfectly control.

L wondered whether Light really believed he still had the upper hand, or if he was just trying to ignore the truth.

The game was almost over.

Ryuk had noticed it too. He even went as far as to ask L if he didn’t have any idea how to prolong the fun.

“Sorry Ryuk,” L told him with a small smile. “The past few years might only feel like a short moment in time for you, but as far as I’m concerned, five years as a ghost are more than enough. I’m ready for it all to end.”

“So you really think what you need is for Light to die?”

L remained silent for a moment, pondering over his reply. “I can’t be a hundred percent sure, of course. But it makes sense. It’s the same reason why I always come back to him, the same reason why he’s always mumbling things about Near not being as good as me…” L sighed, crouching on a chair and hugging his knees. Light was napping on the couch right next to them. “You told me once that he missed me. And maybe, in some twisted way, it’s true. I suppose that, in a similar way, I miss him too. People like us, we spend our life winning so easily... So, once we find someone on our level, it’s intoxicating. Also, as you may have noticed by now, we both tend to be rather stubborn.”

Ryuk snorted. “Damn right. But then even if he dies, you won’t really have won.”

“At this point, it isn’t about winning anymore. More about closure, I guess. If we’re both dead, the game is over. There’s nothing left here for either of us, and really, we both lost.”

L looked over at Light. It never ceased to baffle him that he could sleep so peacefully considering everything he had done, but it was also nice to see him like this. It was the only time L could see a purely human expression on his face - no fabricated righteousness or murderous urges.

_I wonder… When you die, will you die as Kira or as yourself? Will you be angry that you lost, or scared to die?_

“Say, Ryuk, will I be able to talk to him when he dies?”

“I don’t know,” Ryuk replied, unhelpfully. “Like you said, you’re both stubborn. He might look for something before disappearing, but I guess it depends on him. But if you’re right about yourself, you won’t have much time. And after that... There’s nothing.”

L nodded slowly. “So you told me.” He turned towards Light and smiled softly. “Well then Light, I hope you’ll look for me as you go.”

_If this all has to end in nothingness, then hopefully we won’t have to face it alone._

* * *

Mello and Matt were dead, and so was Light’s former classmate, the last person he had manipulated into helping him. Light was growing restless, too impatient to end things with Near. L knew that his overconfidence in both his plan and Mikami’s ability to follow all of his instructions was going to be his undoing. He knew what preparations Near had done on his end, knew how their meeting was going to unfold.

It would be the end for Kira. For Light.

L watched from afar as Light and the task force stepped into the warehouse. Ryuk had hung back a little to be able to talk to him without being heard.

“I guess this is goodbye, Ryuk,” L said. “I wouldn’t say this has been _fun,_ but it has been rather nice to have someone I could actually interact with during all these years.”

Ryuk laughed. “Well, watching you get angry at Light-o was certainly entertaining. Also, if you hadn’t assured me things would be getting interesting again, I might have already killed him. He’s a lot less fun to watch when no one opposes him.”

L rolled his eyes at him. “Well I hope this confrontation will be worth your while,” he retorted, voice heavy with sarcasm. “I would love to ask you not to send another notebook into our world, at least for a while, but I know you’ll just do as you please anyway.”

“You’re right, mister detective. But you two have given me enough entertainment for some time, I suppose. If that can offer you some peace of mind,” he said with a wide grin.

“I’ll have peace of mind soon enough,” L replied quietly, glancing towards the warehouse. 

“You’re not coming to watch?”

“I can’t deny I’m not curious, but weirdly, I don’t really want to come,” L sighed. “I know he’s going to try and lie his way out of it - and then when it won’t work, it will most likely get ugly. I’ve seen enough glimpses of Kira these past few years, I’m not sure I want to see what happens when he completely lets go of his facade.”

“Suits yourself. But how will you know, then?”

L’s lips curled into a small, enigmatic smile. “I’ll know.”

After Ryuk had left, L went to sit on top of the warehouse - one of the good things about being a ghost. L supposed it hadn’t all been bad - after all, it was kind of better to have been able to gain all the answers than to have died without having understood everything. 

It had also allowed him to learn about his past, even if it had taken him years and being really angry at Light before he could muster the courage. Finding out the truth had been distressing to the extreme, but it had eventually brought him a comfortable sense of peace. Of acceptance.

As for Light… Maybe, under different circumstances, they could have been good friends. They would certainly have made a rather extraordinary team, had they been on the same side. Maybe there could even have been more between them - even though such musings usually came to L late at night while watching Light sleep. That was when he would remember the endless conversations, soft laughs and knowing looks from their time chained together.

Maybe it was just time and loneliness that made him interpret those moments differently. It didn’t matter terribly anyway, given the circumstances. All L knew was that never mind the nature of their relationship, they were tied somehow. Connected, even beyond death. It had shown in Light’s inability to move on from their old rivalry, and in L’s inability to stop himself from always coming back to Light.

It only made sense for them to fade away together.

_Any moment now._

Bells started to echo in L’s mind as gunshots echoed from inside the warehouse.

That wasn’t what L had expected, but it wouldn’t change things much. He was about to go inside and check when he noticed a shadow moving around the back of the building.

_Light._

His suit was covered in blood and his hair in disarray. He was holding his right arm, visibly in pain, but he was still able to run away. L caught sight of Ryuk who was hovering behind him from a distance. Their eyes met, and L rushed after Light, following him to an abandoned building.

Light was lying collapsed on the stairway, his eyes looking blankly ahead, but he was still breathing. 

L got closer, floating in front of Light. Peacefulness mixed with anticipation washed over him as he heard Light take one last, gasping breath.

In that same moment, their eyes met for the first time in years.

“Hello again, Light,” L said calmly. Light was looking at him, his eyes wide, unable to move or say anything. It reminded L of his last few seconds of consciousness between the moment his heart had stopped and the moment everything had gone black.

The moment he had _known_ he was dying, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it.

L could see the same realization in Light’s eyes. He could see fear, denial - a struggle to force his body to move, his heart to beat, his life to continue.

But he couldn’t see anger. He couldn’t see resentment.

L couldn’t see _Kira._

He gave Light a soft smile. “I’ve been watching you for a long time, waiting for this moment. Not so much your death, but the chance to speak to you again. The chance for the both of us to move on together.”

Light’s eyes widened slightly - questioning.

“I know you felt it too,” L explained quietly. “Even though I was gone, the game was never really over. It was always going to be about you and me. That’s why I couldn’t allow myself to disappear. Why I had to wait for you.”

L could see life begin to fade from Light’s eyes, and the fear inside them flashed even more intensely. _So this is now, when faced with your own mortality, that you finally realize how human you truly are. In a way, I suppose I am glad that you remember._

“There’s a lot I wish to tell you, but time is running out. You and I have both had our own experience with loneliness while we were alive. This is our chance. What do you say, Light? Shall we explore nothingness together?” L asked, holding out his hand.

Light’s eyes closed.

A shaky, translucent hand reached out, fingers interlacing with L’s.

Everything went white.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least they don't end up alone? I've always liked that line from L:change the world, "let's explore the world of nothingness together"^^. Didn't get the chance to read the book, but I've watched the movie (which I found needlessly gorey but okay)
> 
> Oh and about L's mother's name, I kind of had that name pop in my head, and when I looked up the meaning on various websites, one that came back several time was... "light". Which I found very coincidentally fitting haha.
> 
> Anyway, I'm very sorry L, I do like you a lot. I'll try to find of something fluffy to write when I feel better so I can make it up to you ;)
> 
> Ika, thank you so, so much for all the amazing art you created for this story I AM IN AWE ❤️❤️❤️ and I always love collaborating with you!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for checking out this story and the art <3  
> Don't hesitate to let us know what you thought!


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